Encouraging your child to do better

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Encouragement changes how the brain works and therefore changes behavior. Rudolf Dreikurs highlights that "a misbehaving child is a discouraged child." It is easy to see misbehavior as being nothing more than acting out, how would it change your experience of the misbehavior if you saw it as an indication that the child is struggling, hungry or tired, hurting, and needing some encouragement & help with big emotions? Often times, this mind-shift is easier said than done, and with practice it can change how the whole interaction goes with your child and can improve the relationship for years to come. 

There is a misconception that making a child feel shame, distress, blame, and "paying" for misbehavior will result in the child doing better. Oftentimes instead this: results in the child feeling angry at the parent, fosters power struggles, cultivates fear and sneakiness, creates revenge seeking behaviors, creates a disconnection in the relationship, and can cause confusion. The child does not end up processing why they are in trouble because they are emotionally flooded & because it is not developmentally appropriate for a child to do so.


Children do better when they feel better. These tools of encouragement such as reflecting their emotion, helping them feel better with hugs/snuggles, and finding solutions together (once their emotions are regulated), enables children to truly do better because they feel connected, heard, regulated, and a sense of belonging and understanding through the shared solution finding process with you.

Here are some links to helpful books that break down these steps and go in depth about Positive discipline and Peaceful Parenting. 

Adapted from the Positive Discipline Facilitators guide and book.

Danielle GonzalesComment